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06/01/2004 12:53 am
Hi everybody!
This week I chose these two titles:
"Starting Last" and "Addicted Conviction"
This is what I came up with, and please tell me what you think.
"Starting Last"
As red turns to green, everybody goes
Hesitation in my eyes, but nobody knows
My foot must have sank into the wrong pedal
It would seem as if this one thought could paralyze
But my foot makes a U-turn and starts to motorize
Hesitation in my eyes, but nobody knows
"Addicted Conviction"
Every time you leave, the jury finds me guilty
But you keep coming back, my innocence is filthy
I think I'm addicted to you, will you convict me?
If it's like it was before, I must be guilty
If anybody can, please tell me what type of guitar work would go best with these. Thanks!
06/01/2004 5:54 pm
Hi Phrygian
Addicted to Conviction - is good I think it's the better of the two choruses you've submitted - I particularly like my innocence is filthy. This was another title I quite liked but shied away from.
Starting Last - The first two lines are really good, just the third line just doesn't work for me. The rest is fine although lines 4 and 5 seem a bit long see if you can tighten them up a little. Also motorize seems a really forced rhyme. Just have another look and see what you think.
Good Stuff
Bob ;)
You are what you eat, eat well
07/01/2004 5:15 am
i love what you did with addicted conviction, it's mine ;D.
when i came up with it, i had no idea what i was going to do with it, it just sounded good, glad u chose it and gave it meaning :)
sheena
:)
08/01/2004 5:14 am
I liked the addicted one. You did a good job with a
hard one.
Starting last ..started fine, but then seemed to be
a bit forced. Sometimes the best ideas come after
you think its done. I say give it another look....or
blow it off and wait for the next assignment. ;D
09/01/2004 1:20 am
Phrygian,
Interesting places to take those two titles!
Maybe instead of
But my foot makes a U-turn and starts to motorize
do
But my foot makes a U-Turn before I realize?
or some line ending with "right before my eyes"
Peace,
silly putty
09/01/2004 3:00 am
Both are nicly written, and I really like what you done with Addicted Conviction. The third line in Starting Last just seems out of place, and I agree, motorize does seem a bit forced. Or my thoughts at least...good work.
-Laura