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Topic starter
06/01/2004 10:25 pm
In this first one, I imagine the verses to be about someone thinking about a lost lover, and as the night wears on he keeps drinking more and more. So I've done 3 choruses:
Memories Past the Glass
1st chorus:
As time ticks away I sit alone in this bar
Thoughts of you cross my mind
It's two memories past the glass
And the whiskey's going down just fine
2nd Chorus:
As time ticks away I sit alone in this bar
Thoughts of you cross my mind
It's three memories past the glass
The bottle's half empty but I'm doin' all right
final chorus:
As time ticks away I sit alone in this bar
Too many thoughts of you cross my mind
It's five memories past the glass
Bartender, set me up one more time!
And finally:
Sexy Bald Guys
Sexy bald guys have got my heart pumping
Their heads shine bright like a sunlight sky
They don't take forever in front of the mirror
‘Cause there's no hair to get in their eyes!
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
07/01/2004 3:22 am
These are great, Gina. I'd recommend switching the last lines of the first and second choruses. Doin' all right after a bit, doin just fine after a bit more just seems to suit the progression better, methinks.
I don't know what the next assignment will be, but even if someone else gets to finish your song, I hope you finish your version too. I'd really like to hear it.
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
07/01/2004 7:08 am
Gina,
Nice work! I agree with Maxwell about switching the order of the last lines in song 1.
As for song 2, it was funny to see where you took my title. The only thing that got me was "sunlight sky,"...I don't know, the word combination kept making me think that it should be "sunlit sky" or "sunny skies" or "summer sky" or "cloudless sky." Actually, if you use the word "skies" you get a perfect rhyme, but I don't know if that's what you're looking for.
Well, that was rather nitpicky; I like both choruses...
Hope you can make something of those suggestions,
silly putty
07/01/2004 12:22 pm
Memories Past The Glass really well done.
Sexy Bald Guys good writing for what I thought was a difficult title.
Bob ;)
You are what you eat, eat well
08/01/2004 5:26 am
Good idea Gina.
I agree about the last line switcheroo advice.
Topic starter
08/01/2004 10:17 pm
That was excellent advice about switching the last lines of the first 2 choruses. Definitely works better that way.
And OOPS! In my "Sexy Bald Guys" song I did mean to write "sunlit sky" but I guess my fingers had other ideas! Looks like you and me think alike, Silly Putty!
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison