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24/02/2004 8:23 am
The title is East of Eden, the author is John Steinbeck.
This one was hard, Bob. I'm not griping (at least not effectively) just an observation.
This is definitely not the best I've done. I'm not really satisfied with it. So I'm keen for any ideas that might improve it. Thanks.
East of Eden
I still see you on the front porch where I last kissed you goodbye.
I didn't want to hurt you, never meant to make you cry.
But I knew you'd never leave that town, your family or your friends.
And I had to move along - find out where the rainbow ends.
I bought a ticket, headed west to the California shore,
'cause that's where all the people go, who're always wantin' more
Now I'm living here in paradise, in a house beside the sea,
I've got everything I wanted, lacking only what I need.
[chorus]
you're the only one I'm needin'
but you're somewhere East of Eden
and this paradise
don't seem so nice
when you're so far away.
I've got meetings now, and clients, I'm a pretty important guy
but when I close the doors at night, I only want to cry.
'cause respect is not the same as love, Now I understand.
This place that some call paradise is just a lot of sand.
Everybody says I'm livin' well, I finally got it made.
But I'd leave it in a heartbeat just to join you in the shade
of the maple where we used to solve the problems of the world.
The only problem I have anymore is the memory of a girl.
[chorus]
you're the only one I'm needin'
but you're somewhere East of Eden
and this paradise
don't seem so nice
when you're so far away.
24/02/2004 3:52 pm
I'm getting a very country kinda vibe here... My brain was reading it in Alan Jackson's voice for whatever reason. If you could identify what state Eden is in (whether you meant it to be an actual place or not) you'd have a more cohesive song. The lyrics work though. They're simple. But for country (which of course may just be in my own head) simple works.
"This place that some call paradise is a just a lot of sand" Good line! Makes me not like California just reading it.
if you could write in some kind of ending that gives a location for Eden, I'd be totally happy with this song. That'd just do it for me. If that even makes any sense. I know there a towns named Eden in several palces in the US. That'd just solidify that "moved from small town to big city.. now life stinks" thing you have going on. For me anyway.
Just my $0.02 (ha.. stole your line)
-Marv
24/02/2004 4:07 pm
Thanks Marv,
The book East of Eden is one of my favorite novels of all time. Although I don't know how Steinbeck arrived at the title. But that's kind of irrelevent.
I was thinking country for this one as well. That's why it's riddled with trailing and leading apostrophes.
I've always assumed (yeah... I know) that Eden referenced the Garden of Eden, and that Eden and Paradise were synonymous. I'll see what I can come up with for an ending verse that doesn't rely on that assumption.
Thanks again.
-- Scratch
24/02/2004 6:26 pm
Hi'a Scratch,
Well........ let me see, it is a tad long for my personal taste, but I did enjoy reading it, but then again you mentioned a rainbow in the first verse, which got me going !! ;D
I can't see much wrong with this, so I can't comment on why you are not happy with it,
for my personal taste though, Â I would shorten it like follows...
you on the front porch ,a last kiss goodbye.
didn't want to hurt you, or make you cry.
knew you'd never leave, your family, your friends.
I had to move along - find out where the rainbow ends.
See what I mean.
i agree with Marv on this line
This place that some call paradise is a just a lot of sand"
nut I wasn't concered where Eden was, cos' the story line griped me anyway, Â and I hear this in a Dylan sort of style !!!
Go well
Ja'mir ;)
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
24/02/2004 7:01 pm
and I hear this in a Dylan sort of style !!!
Holy mackeral,.... you've got to be kidding me.
:D
Higher praise I could never hope to receive.
Thank you,
-- Scratch
25/02/2004 4:32 am
Aah! - Scratchmonkey, you totally stole my book title idea!!! Hmm... my actual story is very different, so I guess I might still use it...Well, great minds think alike, you know.
As for your song, I actually like it very much. I especially love the chorus, and the masterful way you created rhymes and rhythm. The line I've got everything I wanted, lacking only what I need. is priceless.
Good work,
SP7
25/02/2004 6:56 am
Greetings SP7,
ABSOLUTELY, still use it. Â I'm eager to see your approach to the title! Â And FWIW, that was kinda my favorite line too.
-- Scratch