SSG2 WEEK1 - "West of Regret"- Nick

Hi Nick

Great song. The overall flow is very good and I like a slice in time song where you don't know what's gone on before and what happens at the end.  It reflects a moment in time and that's all it needs to do to stand up.

Good imagery throughout the song the badland reference in the first verse is really well complemented by the storms in the next two verses and I love regrets' ghosts that's a great line.

The chorus is quite powerful and I like the journeying aspect I wouldn't change anything here.

Just a couple of minor points (because you knew there'd be some):

Verse 1 line 2 tripped me up it may read and flow better with only one lost in there - something like

This world is lost to me

Verse 2 line 2 frozen in time in the snow is a good line but with the snow just peps it up a bit.

Verse 2 line 3 is good imagery but an overly long line and I really had to force myself to fit it in with the rest of the rhythm maybe lose the first stone cold so it reads

On the steps of the cold stone church

I think it's a great song as it is and it may seem I'm nit picking here but I reckon a few minor changes and it's there.

Good writing - as we've come to expect  ;)

Bob

I think you are right about the changes.

Hard to put into lyrics but I viewed the "cold stone" repeats as echoes apart from the lyric, but I may do that later.

Thanks much.

Why not reverse them?

...on cold stone steps of this stone cold church...

This is certainly moody, and you know that I'm going to hit your last verse for being passive, don't you?   ;)  

how about:

Lightning strikes bright in the blizzard
Making the world a lifeless white ghost
Where time and dreams lie frozen forever
Just when I discovered I needed them most

side note: if this is the stuff we're working with in week 1, I don't know how we'll keep it up for a year!

Peace

Completely forgot about it.  Man you don't miss a trick... ;D

Lightning strikes bright in the blizzard
Makes the world a lifeless white ghost
freezes time and dreams forever
now when I needed them most

or

Lightning strikes bright in the blizzard
Makes the world a lifeless white ghost
carries chains of dreams and time
now when I needed them most

...and I agree we have some top notch entries for week 1.

freezing time and dreams forever  -  great line.  Only change I would recommend is make "sip" "sipping" just because I think it puts more of a mental image in the head and seems to flow better to me.  

Sure presents an image of loneliness and despair.  I like it.  (The song, that is. Loneliness and despair I could do without.  ;) )

It's good. It's really good.

A :-)

Thanks maxwell, I changed it to sipping.  Sounds better to me too.

Thanks for the kind words Alan.

You know I'm not the emotional basket case my lyrics make me out to be.

I thought it would be weird to see this:

Storm sweeping over the badlands
the lost world is losing me                  <---Bob
lost in the world losing me
sip sipping coffee in a lost town diner  <---Maxwell
lost touch, lost hope, lost dreams

It's a hundred miles to nowhere
two hundred west of regret
a thousand miles ahead of me
don't know where I'm headed yet

shiver in shadows of regrets' ghosts
I'm frozen in time in the snow
on cold stone steps of the stone cold church   <---David/Bob
a place where the angels won't go

It's a hundred miles to nowhere
two hundred west of regret
a thousand miles ahead of me
don't know where I'm headed yet

Lightning strikes bright in the blizzard
the world is a lifeless white ghost
time and dreams frozen forever
just when I needed them most
Makes the world a lifeless white ghost      <---David
freezing time and dreams forever  
now when I needed them most

It's a hundred miles to nowhere
two hundred west of regret
a thousand miles ahead of me
don't know where I'm headed yet

©Nick Torres 11-05-2003                            <--Me

Amazing how much valuable input you get from this forum.  Thank you all.

And wait 'til you're getting ten to twelve critiques!   ;)

I think that this demonstrates something you've written about in your articles - how listening positively to critiques (thoughtful critiques offered in the spirit of helping out) can only make you a better writer.

And since you're thanking us, let me thank you for getting the ball rolling on all this again.

Now let me get working on my week 1 submission!   ;)

Peace

You are welcome.