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Sunday Songwriters Group
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Topic starter
02/04/2004 6:09 am
Hello all,
This isn't anywhere near finished, and I was going to wait to post it until it was, but I don't know if this internet fad will last long enough ;)
Soldier Man
There was never any question
Of whether he would go
I watched my mother cry and prayed
God would bring my daddy home
I don't think that I understood
Where he was gonna go
When that train pulled from the station
And I heard the whistle blow
But now I've lived through other wars
I'm old enough to see
My daddy is a hero
Ten times as brave as me
My daddy was a soldier man
With a rifle on his back
Red cross on his shoulder
Morphine in his pack
He'd never tell me stories
Of the things he'd seen or done
I look into his eyes and know
Freedom's not free for everyone
My dad, he came home safe and sound
With a smile on his face
Presents in his pockets
Photos of a foreign place
With those long years behind us now
How quickly we forget
So many wars come and gone
Haven't seen world peace yet
But I know it's not in vain
That so many lost their lives
In the trenches or the desert sand
What they've fought for will survive
My daddy was a soldier man
With a rifle on his back
Red cross on his shoulder
Morphine in his pack
He'd never tell me stories
Of the things he'd seen or done
I look into his eyes and know
Freedom's not free for everyone
02/04/2004 10:45 am
silly_rabbit,
I love this one. I'm not sure what you're intending to do to finish it, but I like it as it is. The chorus is absolutely wonderful. I should be offering some suggestions and such, but it's late. Just wanted you to know that I really think you've done a great job. Strong message, good rhymes, and well told. I'll try to revisit it later and say something constructive.
-- Scratch
Topic starter
03/04/2004 3:02 am
Thanks so much! I'm not altogether sure that I like the flow of the second verse. But I've looked at this song for so many hours it's not making sense any more, ya know? I'm glad you like it.
04/04/2004 1:31 am
But I've looked at this song for so many hours it's not making sense any more, ya know?
I think we've all been there at some point!
Well done, SR! I think I understand your feelings about the second verse. There are some aspects that might be cleaned up with just a slight rewording, for example, the second line:
With a smile on his face
Could become
A smile upon his face
And I think that would help make it less awkward in terms of flow.
I also think that the important thing is not to loose the innocence of narration that makes the first verse and the chorus work so well. So you might want to simplify the verse a bit. Make it stronger by making it more childlike (as opposed to childish). Perhaps this part:
With those long years behind us now
How quickly we forget
So many wars come and gone
Haven't seen world peace yet
But I know it's not in vain
That so many lost their lives
In the trenches or the desert sand
What they've fought for will survive
could become something like this:
So many years behind us now
How quickly we forget
So many wars fought and gone
And no new world order yet
I only hope it's not in vain
That so many lost their lives
In trenches, jungles or desert sand
What they fought for will survive
Just a thought.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Peace
04/04/2004 4:33 pm
Hi SR
Welcome to the group - glad you stopped by and posted this one. I think it's really good writing and have nothing to add to David's comments. His ideas will work well with what you've got there.
Hope to see some more of your work over the coming weeks.
Excellent start
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
Topic starter
05/04/2004 6:22 pm
Yes dhodge, I think you've really fixed everything that made me wince about the song...if that makes any sense. Thank you so much for your input.
And thanks for the welcome. I think I'm going to like it here.