Y12W34 - This is the Place Where

I really like the melody line of the chorus. It was so pleasant that I wanted the chorus to continue each time you were in it.

Thanks, John. I was going for contrast between the verses and the chorus. The verses have some unusual chord progressions to accommodate the half step changes in the melody. It's almost a relief to get to the chorus with its more pleasing melody. So maybe I should make the chorus longer.

Hi Renee,

Good start. :D Yes, the chorus melody is nice.

Suggestions:

We don't have a town square
Or even a downtown.
BUT/STILL this is the place where
I feel like I belong.

Regarding, the melody for the verse, I like the idea of experimenting with the melody, but in this case, I don't think the words and music match up. The melody is increasing intensity, foreshadowing, fear or concern looming....but the lyrics are about normal every day activities....

so I can't tell what the purpose of the melody line effect is.

.....if the melody stays the same, consider focusing more on what the town doesn't have to make it seem more a scary/desolate place...don't have a hospital, fast food restaurant, gas station, library, Internet.....then contrast in the chorus comes out.....we don't have a lot but this is where I belong.

Thanks for sharing.

James

James, your insight is appreciated. After I had tweaked the lyrics several times, the music for the verses was no longer appropriate. So I've kept the music and made the lyrics darker. Here's the latest draft:

verse:

We used to have pancakes in the corner cafe.
Everybody knew us there.
Sometimes we'd stroll on a Saturday,
Enjoying the shops and fresh air.

verse:

Now this is the place where I start my day,
'Though I hardly get out anymore.
For a bit of exercise, I park far away
In this huge parking lot at the big box store.

chorus 1:

There's nothing in the town square
And no one goes downtown.
But this is the place where
I feel like I belong.

verse:

At the counter I get a breakfast sandwich
Everyone knows which table I'll be at.
I watch them come in and I always manage
To get one or two to stop and chat.

chorus 1

verse:

I pick up some batteries and a loaf of bread
While I wait for my prescriptions.
I used to shop at three stores instead
Where the clerks used to listen.

chorus 1

verse:

Some people tell me that I shouldn't shop here.
I've no idea where they want me to go.
Where else can I find toothpaste and beer,
A flu vaccination and a garden hoe?

chorus 2:

Now there's garbage in the town square
There's nothing left downtown.
So this is the place where
I try to belong.

Hi Rene,
I've kept the music and made the lyrics darker.
I don't see the lyrics in the revised version as darker :? ...but I'm open to hear an explanation of what makes them darker to you.

-James

Maybe darker wasn't the right word. The second version was slightly more nostalgic than the first one, not being satisfied with the way things have changed, but trying to make it work. Here's the latest version:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=12836503

verse:

We used to have pancakes in the corner cafe.
Everybody knew us there.
Sometimes we'd stroll on a Saturday,
Enjoying the shops and fresh air.

verse:

Now this is the place where I start my day,
'Though I hardly get out anymore.
For a bit of exercise, I park far away
In this huge parking lot at the big box store.

chorus 1:

There's no one in the town square
There's nothing left downtown.
Now this is the place where
I feel like I belong.

verse:

At the counter I get a breakfast sandwich
Everyone knows which table I'll be at.
I watch them come in and I always manage
To get one or two to stop and chat.

chorus 1

verse:

I pick up some batteries and a loaf of bread
While I wait for my prescriptions.
I used to shop at several stores instead
Where the clerks used to listen.

chorus 1

verse:

Some people tell me that I shouldn't shop here.
I've no idea where they want me to go.
Where else can I find toothpaste and beer,
A flu vaccination and a garden hoe?

chorus 2:

Now there's no one in the town square
There's nothing left downtown.
So this is the place where
I try to belong.

Hi Rene,

After rereading the lyrics, I still didn't see how much had changed....but.....

When I went to listen to the revised version, I read the explanation you wrote, "Based on a friend who has breakfast 6 days a week at McDonald's in Walmart to get out of the house and not be alone. He started doing this after his wife died, but I wanted to make it more universal and not about death."

"I wanted to make it more universal and not about death."

...so it seems that avoiding the topic of death, you might have cut away too much or made to much of an assumption of what the listener would fill in....

....from the story, the universal feeling you are going for is loneliness, but I didn't catch that in the song.

It seemed from the lyrics it was a small, rundown town or dying town but the person was sticking around because it was familiar....the universal being people don't like change....but I wasn't connecting with that message

I suggest you get closer to what the core/universal of the song is really about....loneliness....so instead of the chorus being about the town, consider making it about the empty house, because that's the motivation of the routines. The singer wants to be out of the house as much as possible to avoid the emptiness/loneliness.

Rough example of revised chorus ideas--
No one's made breakfast down stairs; memories fill each hall
So I go out to find the living in the shopping mall
Everyone says I should be moving on
But this is the place I feel like I belong.

James, you're absolutely right. A specific person was the inspiration for the song. In deciding to make it not about a specific person in a specific situation, I made the lyrics less interesting. Then, to have a story, I made it more about nostalgia for what the town used to be. The more personal story of loss of a spouse probably would have made a better song.

Songs about dead or dying towns have worked and maybe I could still go that direction. If I did, I would emphasize what is lost and not emphasize the big box store so much.

Songs about dead or dying towns have worked and maybe I could still go that direction. If I did, I would emphasize what is lost and not emphasize the big box store so much.
The first example that comes to mind is Allentown by Billy Joel. You might try to use the structure of the lyrics, but change the details to another place
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/billyjoel/allentown.html