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Topic starter
17/01/2005 6:18 am
Recent situations and complications make this song touching to me but you may find it boring and kinda my worst work ever but it's a shot.
When I'm Sold
You stare into my eyes
I'm drifting away
Deep Brown eyed Gaze
I'm wishing to stay
I know I can't
You know the result
Still wanting your tender skin
Against mine in loving grace
Holding hand, Just wanting you
But I can't, When I'm sold
Gaze breaks through my mind
Still floating softly
Ignoring all your sinful signs
Passing pyramids I fly
I know It can't be
You know the consequences
Still wanting your tender skin
Against mine in loving grace
Holding hand, Just wanting you
But I can't, When I'm sold
You know if I could I would
You know if I were real I could
You know your too young
You know I'm too old
You eye pierce my heart
make me float away
rowing down that river
make me want to stay
I know I can't
you know the consequences
Still wanting your tender skin
Against mine in loving grace
Holding hand, Just wanting you
But I can't, When I'm sold
18/01/2005 10:13 am
hi there
yes well I have to echo el's sediments here well done
(el if you wish to comment on songs in here go for it everyone is allowed their own opinions )
cheers
:D
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
18/01/2005 2:27 pm
Don't be too hard on yourself!!! If this is your worst, then your best stuff is really going to be worth seeing!
I found it a very easy song to get into....tells a complicated story very simply, flows well and there are some really nice lines in there....the first thing that came to mind was, "Hmm, this'd make a really nice angst-laden ballad....
Good job!
:) :) :)
Vic
Oh and a quick note to El.....if you post your songs here, you won't be shot down in flames...people tend to be gentle in their criticisms, if they don't like a song they'll tell you why and make CONSTRUCTIVE - as opposed to destructive - suggestions. Try it, you might surprise yourself!
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
20/01/2005 2:13 pm
Hey!
Vic said something in another post that is so true - everyone is writing sad songs this week - a lot of them about broken relationships. Weird. It's like a collective SSG depression. No one tell Bob in case he thinks it's because he's back...
Which of course it isn't.
Really.
Anyway, the song.
Yes, good writing. The confusion and desperation of wanting something you can't have really comes across well. I like the lines you've put together for the ends of each verse too.
Well written!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
20/01/2005 4:55 pm
Hey Dictator,
As gjbrake said, you really capture the feeling of desperate longing, and convey it quite well. I like the song you've put together here. The only thing I don't really get, (and could just be that I'm dense) is, 'what's it about?"
It sounds like one toy in a toy shop talking to another one. Kinda like the Tin Soldier and the Ballerina story.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
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Topic starter
20/01/2005 7:56 pm
Thanks everyone for the comments sorry I had to be so sad in my post but I let it flow. I still don't find it up to my potential but we will see in a rewrite.
Scratch, You got the literal translation. I had the idea of like an Old nutcracker on a shelf and ine of the New line of barbie dolls. That is what the song literally translates into but on the emotional side I wrote it about a girl I know. Who is in fact too young being only 15 for me to have. I'm only 18 but still you have to have moral limits. Basically it is about toys, with a hidden meaning about a girl i know.
At least to one person my style worked. Vagueness paints the prettiest pictures.